A Public Announcement

Things not to do on a crowded train:

1. Fart. Obviously. Or, in some case, not obviously, which is why I'm pointing it out. Squeeze people. Squeeze. Don't ask me to explain what to squeeze. Call your mother if confused.
2. Lean your great hulking body against the rail that is there for us all to hold. a) you're selfish, let's just admit it. b) you are damn right I am going to push you out of the way. See a) to reason why.
3. Backpacks. Chances are you are not going on a wilderness trek on a Wednesday morning. If you are, then you have multiple issues that I don't think I have time to deal with. If you are not going on a wilderness trek then please resist the urge to bring onto a crowded train a backpack that would fit a reasonably sized refugee family. You do not need all that stuff to get through one day at work. You're at work. Do some work. Keep your work at work. And I know, as we all know, that's not work in your Himalayan expedition with a quick trek to the Antarctic backpack.
4. Do not break up with your boyfriend on the train. You would think this is obvious but oh no, and I am talking to you Partygirl2134 with your impossibly straight hair and six layers of makeup. Do not conduct the private business of your relationship on the train. Do not tell your boyfriend who is desperately trying to sink into the crowd that he has a small dick. Do not tell him that you called him 5 times last night and all you got was his stupid Southpark voice message. Don’t tell him that Southpark is stupid, because it's not. Don't tell him to shut up when he tries to answer your questions. Don't tell him that if you had a gun, you would shoot him. That makes us all nervous. Don’t tell him he was an incredibly bad fuck and his brother is way better in bed than he is. That makes us all laugh and does terrible things to your boyfriend's self esteem. Don't do any of this, and if you have to do it, then don't do it on the bloody train. What the fuck is wrong with you?
5. Children. Do not bring children in oversized prams onto a train at peak hour. Call me whatever names you want, you know it's wrong. Think your life through a bit more.
6. Do not see this as an opportunity to hook up. I know I am pressed up against you, I know that in any other situation this would look like I could be naked in thirteen seconds flat and show you all my 'skills'. But that is not this situation. I'm going to my job. I hate my job. There is nothing that will get me naked at this point.

Right. Are we all sorted? Good. I'll see you all tomorrow morning.