Things I've heard "bosses" say to "secretaries"

• I don't know my life, ask my secretary.
• Really? Today? … Hey Secretary, why didn't you tell me it's my son's birthday.
• Hey Secretary, can you call my wife, she likes speaking to you.
• My secretary is stuck on a train so I have no idea where I am supposed to be right now … In court? Really? Crap.
• My secretary is having a baby … I know. How much maternity leave are we giving out these days? Really? Crap.
• Hey Secretary can you call my mistress, she likes speaking to you.
• Hey Secretary … oh, you know … Don't you?
• Hey Secretary. I just came to your desk. You weren't there. Please don't ever not be there.