Thursday, October 15, 2009

Advice

This comes by way of New Zealand, but we are not going to hold that against it.

This is good advice. I should start following it more:

Advice to young writers, by Gary Henderson.

- Stay out of jail.
- If you do go to jail, make it because of something you’ve written.
- At least once in your life write something that might land you in jail.
- Only write things worth going to jail for.
- Remember that once something is written down it becomes fiction.
- Always write for curious, intelligent audiences who pay attention.
- Always write for the best actors.
- Always work with people you like.
- If someone doesn’t support you, stop seeing them.
- Don’t sleep with the cast.
- Don’t sleep with the crew.
- Never sleep with anyone from Creative New Zealand.
- Learn how to write silence.
- Learn how to write light.
- Learn how to write space.
- Remember that once something is written down it becomes truth.
- Make sure the conflict you resolve at the end of your play is the same one you seduced the audience into at the start.
- Your play has one theme. One. Everything else is either a variation or it’s in the way.
- You are not obliged to solve anything, but you are obliged to resolve everything.
- If you don’t know what your play is about by the time you have finished it, you haven’t.
- Good characters will always come to your rescue.
- Remember that truth is stranger than fiction, but fiction is truer.
- Strive to make your writing simple and complex. They are not opposites.
- The quality of your play has nothing to do with how hard it was to write.
- If you don’t have an authentic connection with your material you’re a fake.
- Always place your story. A play that claims to be about everyone everywhere at any time, is always about no one anywhere ever.
- There are no universal characters called A and B.
- Write in your stage directions whatever it takes to convey your vision, but don’t tell the actors how to act or the director how to direct.
- Bad stage directions will keep them on track. Good stage directions will encourage them to go exploring.
- If you get stuck, take a break, stop writing the play, and just let the characters chat amongst themselves for a while.
- Never write for television.
- Never write a play for personal therapy. It will backfire. The audience will always ridicule the character that’s you.
- Occasionally try to sneak a glance at your reflection when it’s not looking.
- Make the most of being the latest hot young thing while it lasts.
- You are as good as the last thing you had on stage this year.
- Become an expert at spelling, punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure. These are the tools of your trade. If you can’t use them you will never be a good writer.
- Breaking the rules will not make you fresh and exciting. Every bull in a china shop leaves the same old predictable mess. Learn the rules, understand them, then subvert them in a way that’s never been done before. That will make you fresh and exciting.
- Trust your conscience.
- Two bits of really good advice can contradict each other. Get used to it.
- Train yourself to listen to music all the way through.
- If you aren’t already, become a shameless eavesdropper.
- Never get interviewed on television sitting in a row of theatre seats.
- Never put off writing until you are better at it.
- Strive to be clever enough for your own good and big enough for your boots.
- Never be intimidated by people who are better than you.
- Never allow yourself to be bullied out of your right to tell any story.
- Never be ashamed or frightened of your truth. Whatever it takes, you must find the courage to tell it.
- Contrary to what you’ve heard, you CAN change the world.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Public Announcement (Bogan Edition)

Okay.

I thought we had come to an understanding.

I thought we had sorted this shit out.

But no.
Someone didn't read the memo did they? Yes. You know that I'm talking to you WhiteTrash65 and BoganManChild436. Don't try and deny that's how you hooked up in the beginning of what has become a loathsome pairing we all have to endure. I imagine that the love connection was made on a place such as www.Bogans_hot4_Bogans.com or www.wanttoseemycrack.com. I also imagine that your profile read like this:

WhiteTrash65: 95% STD free (one more treatment!) and generous to the point of public nudity.
BoganManChild436: I want some.

Oh, the beauty. And aren't you both so generous and giving to share it with all your fellow train commuters at 8.15 in the morning? Here we all are, blistered and brutalised from the Antarctic winds that have knocked us sideways as we wait for our delayed train, and here we all are again, smacked up against the armpit of a man that obviously has serious moral qualms about bathing more than once a year, and quite frankly it could all become a bit sad, a bit depressing, a bit one false move and fatherhood will be the province of other men buckaroo.

But it's not.

Because we have you two, and your VERY LOUD LOVE.

I don't know if you're new to our train or you've just recently found the joy of bogans hooking up with bogans (it comes with a Shannon Noll soundtrack) but the last few days you have really made your presence felt. Now to be fair, we are not very welcoming of new train participants as the ratio of distance from nose to armpit, and breast to foul groping hand is already way past the point of pleasure. So, you may have noticed our glares, the quiet growling. Don't take it personally but to cut a long story short – we hate you and although you have only been on our train twice now, we are plotting ways to kill you.

It's best if you know. We wouldn't want your ghosts hanging around going WTF? Or, why did youse do that for? Huh? No, sorry, you don't get classier when you are dead. You can blame Jennifer Love Hewitt for that misconception.

Anyway, if you don't want to be attacked by a mob of cold, miserable train people, here is a helpful list I have compiled:

1. Stop finding your boyfriend funny. You may not know this WhiteTrash65 (and I can't believe there are only 65 of you – must have got in real early with that one), it is statistically impossible to be funny 100% of the time. Your brain explodes and ugly demons rise out of the top of your head. True story. So now that you have the facts on your side, please refrain from guffawing non-stop from Middle Footscray to Flagstaff every time BoganManChild436 opens his mouth.
2. Let us all keep our tongues in our own mouths. I know, this one is hard. You're in love, or at least that's what you are calling it, and you want to express this love through some serious tonsil hockey. Good for you. At least no one is dropping their pants, which I know you all want to do. But let's just all do our bit so that we can have a train ride without anyone losing their breakfast.
3. Hands where I can see them Mister. This is especially for you BoganManChild436. I'm sure she has a great arse and those tits are gifts from god. I understand. However, let's keep some of the mystery alive for us all. Some of us like to use our imagination. Or not.

So, are we sorted? I really don't want to have to do this again. See you all tomorrow morning.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Lines

 
 

For all those keeping count, this list that I started here last year has now got more lines through it. Not as many lines as I would like but the lines and me will always have a fractious relationship.

Fractious.

I am so freaking smart.

List One

Short plays that need minor rewrite/tweaks.

       Sugar

       Normal is the Enemy now called The Enemy

       Ordinary Tuesday

       Night declared Day

       Darkness Cut

       Ignorance

       Breath

       Sophie in the Water

List Two

Short Plays that need another complete draft

        Love

        Lost and Found

        No Fish, No Father now called Couch

        For the Defence – Butterfly Evans

        Cut the Lime outline for new draft done.

        Morning Millicent

List Three

Short Plays that need to be written or rewritten completely

        New Coffee Shop Play

        People, Places, Things

        Dead Man Speaks half re-written

        Marcus & Sally Play

        In the Blood

        Sauce

        Breakfast with Others

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Things I've heard "bosses" say to "secretaries"

  • I don't know my life, ask my secretary.
  • Really? Today? … Hey Secretary, why didn't you tell me it's my son's birthday.
  • Hey Secretary, can you call my wife, she likes speaking to you.
  • My secretary is stuck on a train so I have no idea where I am supposed to be right now … In court? Really? Crap.
  • My secretary is having a baby … I know. How much maternity leave are we giving out these days? Really? Crap.
  • Hey Secretary can you call my mistress, she likes speaking to you.
  • Hey Secretary … oh, you know … Don't you?
  • Hey Secretary. I just came to your desk. You weren't there. Please don't ever not be there.

Stalker Girl

It is fast becoming apparent to me that I am becoming obsessed with my trip to New York. Like stalker obsessed and really there should be a program, with steps, for people like me.

Evidence:

  1. I cannot stop thinking about New York. I cannot stop thinking about myself in New York. I can see myself walking down the streets. I don't even know what the streets look like but there I am. Weird.
  2. I have snorted every website that mentions New York and now it all runs through my veins. I know more about New York than anyone. Go on. Test me.
  3. The only way I can sleep is if I think about New York.
  4. I am being organised (which never happens) in order to get to New York and have the experience I want.
  5. I am not nice to be around at the moment. This is mainly because I am not in New York.
  6. I like saying, thinking, writing the words New York. I like it to the point of obsession.

    11 sleeps to go.

A Public Announcement

Things not to do on a crowded train:

  1. Fart. Obviously. Or, in some case, not obviously, which is why I'm pointing it out. Squeeze people. Squeeze. Don't ask me to explain what to squeeze. Call your mother if confused.
  2. Lean your great hulking body against the rail that is there for us all to hold. a) you're selfish, let's just admit it. b) you are damn right I am going to push you out of the way. See a) to reason why.
  3. Backpacks. Chances are you are not going on a wilderness trek on a Wednesday morning. If you are, then you have multiple issues that I don't think I have time to deal with. If you are not going on a wilderness trek then please resist the urge to bring onto a crowded train a backpack that would fit a reasonably sized refugee family. You do not need all that stuff to get through one day at work. You're at work. Do some work. Keep your work at work. And I know, as we all know, that's not work in your Himalayan expedition with a quick trek to the Antarctic backpack.
  4. Do not break up with your boyfriend on the train. You would think this is obvious but oh no, and I am talking to you Partygirl2134 with your impossibly straight hair and six layers of makeup. Do not conduct the private business of your relationship on the train. Do not tell your boyfriend who is desperately trying to sink into the crowd that he has a small dick. Do not tell him that you called him 5 times last night and all you got was his stupid Southpark voice message. Don’t tell him that Southpark is stupid, because it's not. Don't tell him to shut up when he tries to answer your questions. Don't tell him that if you had a gun, you would shoot him. That makes us all nervous. Don’t tell him he was an incredibly bad fuck and his brother is way better in bed than he is. That makes us all laugh and does terrible things to your boyfriend's self esteem. Don't do any of this, and if you have to do it, then don't do it on the bloody train. What the fuck is wrong with you?
  5. Children. Do not bring children in oversized prams onto a train at peak hour. Call me whatever names you want, you know it's wrong. Think your life through a bit more.
  6. Do not see this as an opportunity to hook up. I know I am pressed up against you, I know that in any other situation this would look like I could be naked in thirteen seconds flat and show you all my 'skills'. But that is not this situation. I'm going to my job. I hate my job. There is nothing that will get me naked at this point.


Right. Are we all sorted? Good. I'll see you all tomorrow morning.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Jobs

So, the suck has returned. Because sometimes it all gets just that little bit too much, and you start to think you're never going to make it, and you're not half as funny as you think you are, and you suck at trivia nights even though you have a fancy degree, and you're quite ugly compared to everyone else because you realise you never look good in the mirror in the elevator and it's hard not to look good in a tiny moving space, it's really really hard, and you have nothing interesting to say but you're a writer so you better have something interesting to say and every time you tell your father that you have a play on the first question he asks "And how much does that pay?" and 'they' still haven't listed that as a reasonable excuse for patricide and you're starting to feel old, like old old, and tired and you still haven't got anything interesting to say and you want to buy stuff but you know it's just stuff and so you look at the people that have stuff and don't know it's just stuff and you're jealous.

I blame this on jobs. I hate jobs. Sorry? Oh, you didn't hear me. I said, I HATE JOBS! Yeah, I know you do to. Or perhaps you don't. Perhaps you accept jobs as the way of the world and just get on with it. You own stuff too, don't you? Thought so.

Eight hours (and that's without the travel which is a specific and particularly evil form of torture that we will leave to another day) of sitting, sitting, sitting. That's all I really do. I sit. Occasionally someone I work for and I seem to work for a lot of people will come by or more usually send me an email and say can you do this? And I just do it because that's what jobs are. Doing shit for other people. I hate that bit too.

There's lots of things I hate. I hate it when they come near me and I hate it when they are a ten second walk away from me and choose to send me an email. I hate it when they put cheers at the bottom of an email that explains how the rest of my day is going to be screwed in 12,000 different ways. Cheers this, I say. I hate it when I say No Problem and it's really a huge fucking problem. I hate it when I hand over the work and they say thanks and I say You're welcome. They're not, I don't know why I keep fooling them into thinking they are.

Oh. Yes I do. Because they freaking pay me. That's right. I keep forgetting the small point that I'm not sitting, sitting, sitting out of the goodness of my heart but really because I'm being paid to do it. That lightens the load somewhat.

Carry on job soldiers.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Playwrights talk

In case you haven't found them yet, American playwright Adam Szymkowicz is doing a series of interviews with playwrights. They're fascinating and useful and I'm glad there are people like Adam out there that take the time to do this. I hope he can find endless playwrights and this becomes a life long project.

Anyway, go read about them here

Take that suck

Just when you thought that the suck refused to give up its stranglehold on my life, good news broke through and declared victory.

A little play of mine is on in Chicago. I know. Like, Chicago. This rocks my world.

A tiny amount of good news but we will take good new wherever we find it.