Public Announcement (Bogan Edition)

Okay.

I thought we had come to an understanding.

I thought we had sorted this shit out.

But no.
Someone didn't read the memo did they? Yes. You know that I'm talking to you WhiteTrash65 and BoganManChild436. Don't try and deny that's how you hooked up in the beginning of what has become a loathsome pairing we all have to endure. I imagine that the love connection was made on a place such as www.Bogans_hot4_Bogans.com or www.wanttoseemycrack.com. I also imagine that your profile read like this:

WhiteTrash65: 95% STD free (one more treatment!) and generous to the point of public nudity.
BoganManChild436: I want some.

Oh, the beauty. And aren't you both so generous and giving to share it with all your fellow train commuters at 8.15 in the morning? Here we all are, blistered and brutalised from the Antarctic winds that have knocked us sideways as we wait for our delayed train, and here we all are again, smacked up against the armpit of a man that obviously has serious moral qualms about bathing more than once a year, and quite frankly it could all become a bit sad, a bit depressing, a bit one false move and fatherhood will be the province of other men buckaroo.

But it's not.

Because we have you two, and your VERY LOUD LOVE.

I don't know if you're new to our train or you've just recently found the joy of bogans hooking up with bogans (it comes with a Shannon Noll soundtrack) but the last few days you have really made your presence felt. Now to be fair, we are not very welcoming of new train participants as the ratio of distance from nose to armpit, and breast to foul groping hand is already way past the point of pleasure. So, you may have noticed our glares, the quiet growling. Don't take it personally but to cut a long story short – we hate you and although you have only been on our train twice now, we are plotting ways to kill you.

It's best if you know. We wouldn't want your ghosts hanging around going WTF? Or, why did youse do that for? Huh? No, sorry, you don't get classier when you are dead. You can blame Jennifer Love Hewitt for that misconception.

Anyway, if you don't want to be attacked by a mob of cold, miserable train people, here is a helpful list I have compiled:

1. Stop finding your boyfriend funny. You may not know this WhiteTrash65 (and I can't believe there are only 65 of you – must have got in real early with that one), it is statistically impossible to be funny 100% of the time. Your brain explodes and ugly demons rise out of the top of your head. True story. So now that you have the facts on your side, please refrain from guffawing non-stop from Middle Footscray to Flagstaff every time BoganManChild436 opens his mouth.
2. Let us all keep our tongues in our own mouths. I know, this one is hard. You're in love, or at least that's what you are calling it, and you want to express this love through some serious tonsil hockey. Good for you. At least no one is dropping their pants, which I know you all want to do. But let's just all do our bit so that we can have a train ride without anyone losing their breakfast.
3. Hands where I can see them Mister. This is especially for you BoganManChild436. I'm sure she has a great arse and those tits are gifts from god. I understand. However, let's keep some of the mystery alive for us all. Some of us like to use our imagination. Or not.

So, are we sorted? I really don't want to have to do this again. See you all tomorrow morning.