Number 1 Rule for Writers

Regard yourself as a small corporation of one. Take yourself off on team-building exercises (long walks). Hold a Christmas party every year at which you stand in the corner of your writing room, shouting very loudly to yourself while drinking a bottle of white wine. Then masturbate under the desk. The following day you will feel a deep and cohering sense of embarrassment.

Help!

This is me. Minus the stupid look on my face. Fine. This is me.

Don't call me.

This is what I would like to do with my phone. I won't, but I would really like to. It's bad enough that I get spam on my email account - I swear to god I am known to every Nigerian scammer and if I added it all up I would be a gazillionaire by now, that's right they would have to invent monetary terms for me. Bill Gates would look like a beggar in the street compared to my bottomless money pit. And now the scammers have decided to give me even more money because really is there such a thing as too many private islands? Too many houses, cars, planes, small dogs I can fit in my handbag and leave my gazillions to in my will? No. Of course there is not. If you think there is then you must be one of those pinky, lefty, bleeding heart do-gooders. Yes. Hang your head in shame. You're not getting a cent of my gazillions. (PS Say that word out loud - hours of fun)

I got a message on my phone last night saying that I had won $2million in a mobile phone lottery. Can you believe it? My luck is red hot. That Midas chap looks like a fairly average bloke, statistically speaking, compared to me. Apparently all I have to do is send my details including bank account (NATCH! How else are they going to give me my gazillions? Don't shake your head at me in pity. You are the ones that have trust issues.) and the bounty is mine. All mine!

Nigeria? If Angelina Jolie hadn't adopted a child from your country, you would have nothing. Seriously. Take a long hard look at yourselves.

Rant ... over.

Funny ... Well, I think so.

So last time we chatted I was talking about radio plays and how to do them. Well, it turns out after much reading of said radio plays (note to you: read Tom Stoppard's radio plays from the 60s. They are awesome) that they are a lot like stage plays except you can't see them. Which, it also turns out, is perfect for someone like me who likes to sit characters on things and leave them there forever and a day. Just chatting. In my defence, this is what people do. For the other side, yeah, but who wants to pay money to watch that? Fair enough. BUT, and it is a big but (that's why I put it in capital letters) no one really wants to listen to that either. They got to move. I'm going to write that on a sticky note and stick it up on my wall. Hang on a minute ...

Right. Done. That should fix the problem shouldn't it?

So, I'm writing this radio play, and I am. Well, I'm more outlining it at the moment but I'm about half way there and I've got these characters walking down streets, in elevators, in the park. That's great. But ... no, wait a minute ... BUT now I have them together in a room and they have to be there for quite a bit of time. So the question is what do I do with them that will be interesting for someone that is just listening to them?

These are the things that keep me up at night.

No show

Again with the no show. Would you believe me if I said I was sorry? That I will do better in the future, that I had a lot of STUFF on my plate?

You hate me don't you? You love me but you hate me. You love me only so that one day you will get to hate me. You look forward to that day don't you?